Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Again....not the news we expected.

Today has been a hard day for several reasons.  First,me and my stomach.  I don't know what's going on, but enough already!  Emetrol calms my stomach down but Imodium isn't doing much for the other.  Arg!!!  I'm worn out and super tired.  In fact, I slept most of the day away.  What is going on??!!  Is it the flu, nerves, what??

Wow.  I don't even know what to say or how to say it. Kevin went to the doctor today.  This was the appointment the doctor was going to go over the MRI he had done about a month ago.  From what Kevin tells me, the Doctor came in to bear the news he was not planning to hear.   They went through the MRI with a fine tooth comb together and the doctor showed him the damage to his spinal cord and mentioned exactly where it was located.  Now we know.  I guess the doctor also told him the injury is an incomplete spinal cord injury because the entire cord is not completely severed (nothing we didn't already know), but the damage is permanent.  All this time (almost a year) we were holding out, hoping this was just temporary.  I guess the doctor told Kevin that he would need physical therapy for the rest of his life to try to regain and maintain any strength he had in his legs and that does not mean that he will walk again, but that he will be able to function better.  They also up'd his medications to help to calm down the pain in his legs so he can sleep better or at all at night. 

When I looked at the paperwork they gave Kevin when he got home, at the bottom of the page it listed all the things Kevin could do.  Then in big bold print it said Permanent SCI and Cannot live alone.  I don't know if Kevin saw that part, but that was hard enough for me to read.  Not that I expect him to ever live alone.  I'm trying very hard not to get angry at the surgeon that did this again.  Getting mad at him is just a waste of my time and energy, right?  
    Yet on the other hand, my husband's life has changed forever and we are struggling just to make it through.  I can't let myself go there.  I can't slip and be angry.  All that will do is prevent me from receiving help and answers through the gift of the Holy Ghost, from a loving Heavenly Father.  So, I have to remain strong.  Find the good.  Remember the positive.  I need to remain humble and even teachable.  That is how blessings will come and miracles happen.

To cheer Kevin up, Kyle got Mattas for dinner tonight.  When I walked into the room with dinner where Kevin was, he looked at me and said, "I'm not going to get any better."  This is going to bother Kevin for a while and I think I caught him crying.  Which is understandable.  It bothers me too and I'm not even the patient.  This didn't happen to me, yet I feel like it did.  I guess that's what happens with couples.  When one of us is hurt, the other one feels it too.  I never EVER NOT ONCE in my life time imagined that this would be something that we would experience.  I keep hearing it.  Sondra.  You're husband has a spinal cord injury.  You are now getting an intimate look at this injury, Sondra.  Kevin said the doctor was very careful about how he gave him the news about his injury.  He shared a few stories and analogies and then slipped the bad news in.  I love that doctor.  He is a wonderful doctor.  Once Kevin was settled in and to get away for a moment, I went into the bathroom and said a prayer, asking for strength for us all and for peace.  I know, as does Kevin, that this is in the Lord's hands and we will handle it together, as a couple and as a family.  

So, now, Kevin's resting, busy, I'm sure, in his own thoughts.  I'm looking at him and asking myself lots of questions, giving myself my pep talks, saying lots of prayers.  What are we going to learn from this experience?  How are we going to grow from it?  Trying to preview, when he is stronger, what will we look back at and say, "Oh, I get it now."  And the hard one, what will be the blessings that we gain in the end from it?  I know that good will come.  It already has.  It will continue.  So, the goal now is going to be to keep our eye on the positive and not the negative no matter how hard things get....well, unless the new puppy pees on my floor.  I'm allowing myself that one.  Shh.....just don't tell Kyle I said that.  Enough said.  
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