Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I Need my Husband BACK!!!

"It's time!  I need my husband back right now!"  

Today I came home from work worn out, tired, and frustrated.

  I didn't get much sleep last night, so I was a little tired when I woke up this morning already.  
Plus I slept with a fan blowing on me and my eyes got a little to dried out.
So, you know how it is when a woman gets tired.  
Crying becomes an easy thing at any given moment.

To add to my weary state, I decided to stop and pick up out groceries on my way home.

That meant loading the grocery cart, unloading the grocery cart.  Then loading the car, and unloading the car.  Thankfully my kids helped me on that last leg of unloading the car.  Once the groceries were in the house, I was tasked with the job of finding a place for everything.  That's always hard to do with one refrigerator and two weeks (plus) of groceries.

I've been doing the majority of our grocery shopping for the past several months at a little place called the LDS Bishop's Storehouse.  It's a pretty amazing place and I always walk away from there feeling uplifted and very grateful.  The volunteers that work there are wonderful!  

The ONLY drawback to this wonderful resource is that there are absolutely no frills.  It's full of the basics.  So, if you need something like, oh I don't know, certain kinds of seasonings, you have to visit a regular grocery store to find that.  The other drawback is that everything must be made from scratch.  Which is great when I have the time because that is how I prefer to cook.  But when I am pressed for time and trying to fix dinner when I get home from work, time is at a premium to get dinner on the table before bedtime.  So, we tend to do things that can be made easily like (just to name a few) soft tacos, omelettes, baked potatoes, or even baked chicken when we have a little more time.  
Today when I got home and made suggestions for dinner, no one liked what I had to offer.  In fact, they kind of turned up their noses at me. 

Well, you would have thought someone just did something awful to me because I just burst out crying while I was putting my frozen chicken breasts in the freezer.  

I had had enough!!!!

That was the straw that broke the camels back and I was not only crying, but now I was a little bit mad too.  I was feeling overwhelmed, under appreciated, and frankly taken advantage of too. 

Here I had come home from work and not a thing had been picked up, moved, taken care of, or even thought about by anyone here at the house.  I walked in to two kids sitting in my family room, my husband in bed (where I expect him to be, naturally under his circumstances) and now they all wanted to give me attitude about what I was making for dinner!  Oh no!  I wasn't having it.

I marched into our bedroom where Kevin was and told him that I needed his help!

Actually, what I said was that I needed my husband back!

I told him that I was hanging on by a thread and trying to keep all the proverbial balls in the air but I didn't think I was going to be able to do it anymore.  I explained that I wasn't sure how I was going to get the car repaired, through emissions, and tagged by the time the temporary plate we have expired.  I explained I was worried about my job and concerned that because I had been out so much that I wouldn't even get a paycheck this month.  (I had received a message from our payroll department telling me they over paid me and that they were intending to take back the overage)   Not to mention the time I have been out...that isn't good for a business ever!  Then there were our other bills.  You know the ones the bishop isn't helping us with.  Then on top of things, my house is slowly getting put back together, but progress is moving too slow!  Tasks that use to get done quickly seem to take days now.  I am only one person and I can't do everything!  I physically cannot do it all!  I need my children to start being more pro-active and start taking the initiative to get things done around here and stop waiting to be told, begged, paid (this happens very rarely), or yelled at to do something.  I told Kevin, I didn't think it was fair to me that everything fall on my shoulders and it was time that he get up and crack the whip around here like he use to! 

 I needed him to come out of the bedroom from time to time every single day and rally the troops like he use to do!  As soon as the words, "I need my husband back" came out of my mouth I could tell this was not the best time to suggest that to my husband.  

SIDEBAR:  Just last week Kevin told me that I had to stop helping him and doing things he can do for himself.  I needed to let him work through things and allow him to struggle a little because he wanted to be able to get stronger, work hard, and improve himself.  I was thrilled because I thought the old Kevin was back. 

The man that had begged me to let him do things for himself a couple of weeks ago had disappeared and was no where to be found.  Today I was dealing with a frail man in pain and feeling guilty for everything we were going through.  What I didn't realize was that his mind is as sharp as ever most days, but his body is as weak.  Needless to say, today was not the day to say those things to Kevin.  He is just struggling through some things that I really don't know if he will ever be fully okay with.

After I literally "put my foot in my mouth" all Kevin could say to me was that he would try and he kept apologizing and saying that this is all his fault.  

I felt like the worst wife EVER!!

Here I had come home, tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed, not intending to make anyone feel bad, but that is exactly what I did.  I did succeed at one thing and that was letting my family know I had had enough.  Timing is everything.  I for one completely blew it!  

Needless to say, I left our bedroom apologizing to Kevin and  feeling worse than ever and very concerned that I had made my poor husband sink further away.  

By this time we had come to a decision on what to make for dinner.  The decision was that we would make omelettes.  While I was busy trying to make those, I started crying again.  I could barely see what I was doing at the stove as tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face.  I was feeling ever worse than before when I walked through the door.

Lexi came into the kitchen and didn't even give me her normal attitude when I asked her to help me get dinner plated up and to Kevin and the rest of us.  The tears had finally stopped and I could see again, thank goodness.  

Lexi had taken Kevin his dinner and as she was walking back into the kitchen the tears started once again. 

Before my eyes filled up and I couldn't see again, I managed to apologize to her and tell her that I really do want to be a good Mom to her and her siblings.  She just looked at me and said, "Mom, you are a good Mom."  Well, that just did it for me and I couldn't see again.  Tears had filled up my eyes to the point of no return as I tried to tell her that I don't like being the bad guy and I wanted to do all the things Mom's do for their families.  She just gave me the Lexi look and didn't say another word.  

Through all of this I got upset at Kyle and I even called Danielle too.

So, Kyle begged and begged to get a puppy for his birthday.  As it turned out, Kyle got some money from his grandparents and I chipped in a little, Kyle did too, and he got his puppy.  The puppy is very cute and we love him very much.  He has only been here for a couple of weeks but he is a part of our family now and he brings us all a lot of love and joy.  Kevin flat out didn't want to get one, but Kevin loves that puppy probably more than any of us.  In fact, the puppy spends time with Kevin on his bed from time to time.  Honestly, I think the puppy has been good therapy for all of us.  He is sweet and playful and sometimes a little out of control when he runs through the house.  

Well, puppies do not come potty trained as a general rule.  That means we (I mean Kyle) has to work with the puppy to learn to make it outside to go.  What really set me off was coming home to a puppy mess on my tile.  I didn't like that at all!  

Needless to say, I said a few words to Kyle.  I didn't throw a fit.  I just mentioned that it needed to get cleaned up and we needed to make sure the puppy gets outside every hour or two until he gets the hang of things.  Well, Kyle still is short with me when he talked to me.  Again, another shining moment towards winning the Mother of the Year Award for me.  NOT!!!  Kyle knows all of this and he will do what needs to be done.  I just didn't want to come home to puppy mess anywhere!

As I mentioned before, I called Danielle too. 

After all, I was on a role at getting after my family, why not include her too, right?!!!
Since the wedding reception we returned pretty much everything we borrowed except a couple of things.  Now before you think we are awful for not returning things promptly, we were told by the person we borrowed from that she didn't mind if it took us a month to get things back to her.  She was perfectly okay with that.  I had called her on Saturday and then things happened and I couldn't do it.  

So, knowing that I wanted to get things back to their rightful owner, I called Danielle to tell her that I needed her help to get these things back.  What I really meant was I was tapped out and it was time to delegate things.  Danielle was a - okay with that and we talked for a bit.  My text message and phone call didn't go anything like my blow up with the rest of the family.  Thank goodness.  By this time I was done being Momzilla and ready to come back down to earth again.  We talked a bit and she mentioned that their Relief Society had stopped by and that their Bishopric was coming by later tonight.  Talk about a welcome crew!  Danielle mentioned that Chance was worried that he would get called into Young Men's right away and he wasn't ready to give up his free Wednesday nights quite yet.  I just laughed and said he needed to be careful what he wishes for.  Danielle said she understood his concerns and she was equally concerned that she would get called into nursery after spending every work day with 3 year olds.  I laughed again.  

I have to admit I have never been someone that didn't want a calling.  In fact, I don't quite understand that at all!  I was always taught that callings were blessings.  I sit here today wishing I had one.  I think a calling would help me and do me some good.  BUT, I guess that isn't what the Lord has in mind for me right now.  I will admit it hard.  Now, that being said, I will admit I didn't always like all of my callings and you could say, I dug my heels in plenty of times with some of them.  BUT, usually the callings I dug my heels in on at first ended up being the calling I grew to love later.  

I told Danielle that it isn't every ward that sends their entire Relief Society Presidency and Bishopric out to every house to meet new families.  That is a lot to coordinate and execute for some with their schedules and the new families schedules.  That's actually pretty amazing that they can do that.  As I mentioned before, be careful what you wish for....I then told Danielle there are lots of callings in a ward and maybe Chance is worrying about something that won't happen until much later in life, or maybe not at all.  I'm sure whatever they are asked to do they will do their best and learn to love those they serve and will forget about the sacrifices they are making to magnify their callings.  It will be good and I am excited to find out what comes their way.  More on that later of course.

In keeping with our "dinner theme" LOL!!!

I came across this recipe and think I want to try it sometime.  It looks yummy!  
Parmesan Crusted Chicken with Bacon
Oil for frying - about 1/2 - 3/4 cup
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts - about 4-5 oz each
3/4 cup Parmesan cheese
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp salt
1-1 1/2 cups shredded Asiago cheese
3-4 slices bacon - cooked and crumbed (can leave slightly under-done, it will finish cooking under broiler)
1 egg beaten
1 tablespoon water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
In a small shallow bowl, mix egg and water
In another shallow bowl, mix Parmesan cheese, pepper salt and garlic
Heat oil over medium high heat
Dip each chicken breast first in egg mixture then in cheese
Fry in hot oil until crust is golden brown
Prepare a baking pan by covering with foil and placing wire rack on top
Place chicken on rack and bake about 20 minutes or until juices run clear
Time will depend on thickness of chicken
Remove from oven and turn oven to broil
Top each piece of chicken with Asiago cheese and bacon and place under broiler to melt cheese
Cook time will vary depending on thickness of chicken. To shorten time, pound chicken thin and fry until done, without baking.
After my "blow up" this afternoon and after dinner I did manage to do two loads of laundry and take in a little one hour nap too.  My poor eyes are so sore now.  In fact, the right one is super red.  Not fun!  I'll be paying for that good cry tomorrow I'm sure.  Oh well. 

Moral of the story......be kind to everyone.  Especially your family....AND Moms TOO!!!

Before I went off to bed I went back in to talk to Kevin.  He had been crying and I could tell me was still upset.  I apologized for getting after him and he said he understood but still said "it's all his fault".  I was mortified.  I had to remind him that he did nothing.  What we are dealing with happened to him at the hands of a surgeon that is more like a mad man than skilled.  I told Kevin that we went to him seeking a better quality of life for Kevin and came out robbed of that because of something this man did.  I told Kevin to never forget that this happened to him and he did NOTHING.  So, none of what we are going through is Kevin's fault.  I also reminded Kevin that we work best together when one of us is up and the other is down.  We can't both be down together because that will never work.  I then told him I loved him and gave him a kiss and a hug hoping that it would ease his pain and feelings of guilt.  Yes, it's hard to do what I do, but it worse to see my husband like this.  I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut and not said a word and bottle it up until some other prime moment in our lives....or better yet to spew it out at some unsuspecting telemarketer at a later date.  BUT, that wouldn't be right either.  They say what doesn't kills you will make you stronger.  If that statement is true then Kevin and I should be on top of the world right now because we are looking to become the strongest couple ever! ~chuckle~chuckle~

Take care my friends and we will talk again soon.

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