Tuesday, July 7, 2015

I choose growth!

Just when you thought things were coming to a fork in the road, life keeps coming at us.  And with life comes learning, if we are open to it.  I love the life I have chosen, even the things I haven't chosen.  The experiences I've been given, either as gifts from the Lord or through the choices that have been made for me or the ones I've been able to make, either way they have offered so much opportunity for growth.  I am amazed that so many of these opportunities have come about in these past few years.
.  It's crazy how that happens sometimes without us even knowing.  Life is so beautiful!  Through nothing short of miraculous, the Lord takes the difficulties and somehow makes way for good to come out of every situation, every station.  

There have been times over the past
few years that I have allowed doubt to creep into my life.  Most times when this happened I would ask myself, "where is this coming from?"  And then words like these would come to my mind, remain teachable, and somehow a calm peaceful feeling would quickly come over me and I would be given the chance to learn something incredible.

Sometimes doubt would take over, especially in the beginning.  Often I would begin feeling overwhelmed by all the things I needed to get done at home while I was merely sitting at my desk at work. Then, I would either make a list with pen and paper, or mentally in my mind of those things to do in a short amount of time, on little to no sleep, feeling completely overwhelmed, and realizing just how little strength I have to deal with the tasks at hand.  Then something would click, and almost instinctively I would know that I needed
to shift gears and focus before I had a  breakdown.  So, I would
 pray.  One of those silent prayers I offer up in my mind and probably the most heartfelt prayer I could possibly utter or feel in a very public place.  I then realize, I am having one of those "God are you really there? moments and I hardly even notice the people and faces standing and sitting all  around me. Naturally at that moment as I offer my prayer up I am surrounded by people and yet I am feeling so disconnected from others.  I'm swamped with work, but I don't feel very productive, and at that very moment I have become separated from what I know, my purpose and the reason I have been given my turn on this earth.  To connect with others, to reach others. To do for others.  At that moment I have become so overwhelmed by my own life and set of circumstances that I've been caught up in the wave of day-to-day and I am suddenly drowning.  How could I possibly be of any use or help to others when I am drowning myself?

Remember, this is my prayer I send up to Him.
God, are you there?  Because lately I'm feeling very much alone.
Does this little life I'm living even matter?  Am I doing anything right?  Am I doing anything good?  Am I even parenting well enough?  Am I a good enough daughter, sister, and friend?  Will I make it through this mess?  

So many of these kinds of prayers have been offered up.  I would find myself offering them up while I was on a call with a client at work, walking to and from my car, while I was driving my car...and I would sometimes even speak the actual words as if my Heavenly Father was sitting in the passengers seat next to me.  Bathroom stalls took on a whole new meaning for me.  They became a quiet oasis for my private moments with my Heavenly Father.  I found the handicapped stalls to be the best.  I'm sure many people came to my favorite bathroom stall only to find the door locked as I was on my knees pouring out my heart to my Heavenly Father.  

Looking back, I have come to know that each time I spent on my knees my Heavenly Father was coaching me.  Encouraging me, Softening my heart, calming my fears, and taking away my burden.  Somehow I came away from those prayerful moments feeling lighter, enlightened, and ready to face anything with a surety that I was about to do hard things.  I can do hard things, with His help and he will make them seem light.  I know this to be true.  Without any doubt!  

Let me say this.....thank you for listening.  It means so much when I put these words out there and you take the time to come and read the words that I am typing out with my keyboard.  It feels good to get my thoughts out.  Words deep down that are floating up.  Words that need to be said.  Thoughts that need to be articulated and feeling that need sorting out.  This blog has always been a safe space for me to do just that.  These past couple of years have really been something for me.  I've made mistakes.  I've had moments of self doubt.  But I've worked to right many of the wrongs and I am stronger now than I was some time ago.  This is encouraging.  Much of this journey has been a private one and some of it will remain private.  However, as I blog, I have become aware that a portion of my growth will come in the sharing of the difficult parts of my path.  The path I choose is growth! 

The truth is today, right at this moment, I am feeling so much light and so much hope I sincerely hope that I can, in some small way, encourage others to do what I did, and hold on!  Don't give up.
  I am living proof that YES, life can be tough, but I am here to tell you that I know that the Lord will heal us and He can help us take those steps towards changing our lives.  Sometimes we cannot change our circumstances, but we can change how we look at them.  We have the ability to change so much!  We can learn, grow, and deepen our  vessels to fill and experience even greater joy.  I am so grateful for this principle.  How enthusiastic is that?  Now, this is what I remember......that I have done hard things!!!  
Just like all of us have.
I have kept going and continued to try.
I didn't quit.
i didn't quit.

I can tell you that there have been many times I nearly did.
And now, I am feeling such joy, happiness, and excitement, but most of all gratitude and love 
for my Heavenly Father and the gift of the Holy Ghost, and the many many miracles I have experiences.  I feel nothing but gratitude for the Spirit who guides and a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of each of us.  Sometimes he knows I may always learn  more from a full on crisis.  And sometimes He spares me of the crisis and I learn to be still and listen.  How wonderful He is.  He is a God of miracles.    
I cannot believe that I have been given this exquisite and perfectly tailored growing experience called life.  Too often I forget just how I am being prepared, even shaped into what only He knows will be   my final result, and that I will be better for having experienced all of these things.  My eyes see more now.  More pain, more joy, more opportunities to shape and serve.  My heart loves more, deeper and wider....and on and on!! 
These unseen battle scars have brought me to feel in a way
that nothing else ever could and I am grateful for each and every one of them!

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